ilokano burger

[334] what kind of fuckery is this?

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 04:25:45 -0400

“how you gon check in [via foursquare] and be the mayor of the motel you fuckin in?”

“thass a lot of fuckin’”

there’s bold and then there’s stupid. ^^stupid^^

[342] he walks away

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 03:24:18 -0400

why was i so fixated on escape? the question came up today at dinner with al.

it may have been the stress from work. in the thick of it all, if someone gave me a free to ticket to most anywhere, i’d be on that plane. “oh, nebraska? down.”

it might have been the idea of being a different person in a different place. a new start. but why was it necessary?

maybe i wanted to throw myself in the deep end of the grown up pool to see if i could swim.

perhaps i longed to sever the ties of familiarity.

escape, as it seems, has evaded me. whether it’s for now or for later is anyone guess, including my own. the question remains: why?

when i was younger, my dad would just leave- most of the time, just for a weekend in vegas. eventually i learned these disappearances happened around the same time he’d get his check. we started openly talking about his gambling problem as a family when i was 8.

he was the poster child for relapse. when you’re a kid that has an addict for a father, each relapse crushes your hopes for change. before i knew it, i was a pre-teen pessimist, then a teenage child of divorce, then an embittered young adult. pushing 30, my wanderlust is becoming overpowering and i’m wondering if it has to do with him.

what was he escaping?

a wife. a child. responsibility. routine.

he forfeited the highs of youth- both literal and figurative- for the rush of risk. a woman, hm… maybe (wo-)men, was often more lucrative than the love and safety of home.

was the man he was expected to be that frightening? could he only take playing house for so long?

what am i escaping? and, christ. am i really my father’s son?

[358] at least i'm not drinkin

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 01:32:00 -0400

you know it’s gon be a shit week, when you gotta deal with some bullshit at the very beginning of the week.

fresh from the stress of the last post, monday was God awful as well. tuesday afforded some reprieve. but today. woo- what a gem today was.

here was wednesday of shit week, summer 2011

this morning i got into it with my mom and had one hell of a battle royale fight for at least an hour. the positive thing was it was those types of fight that broke us both, resulting in each of us crying and expressing our support to and love for each other. my ma is my biggest support and biggest fan. and while our fights are bitter and tiring, we are staunch allies and advocates for each other.
if that tiring fight wasn’t enough, later in the afternoon fate arranged it so that i ran into someone i barely know, but someone that… let’s say currently has the ability to bring the absolute worst out of me. thankfully, my late 20s maturity (ha!) helped me keep my cool. i’ll never know why it was necessary for me to run into that guy. perhaps God wanted a good giggle.

needless to say, today makes me glad i’m not addicted to any illicit substances because i’d be hitting that bottle / pipe / whatever hard right now. fortunately D.A.R.E. and a relatively emotionally healthy upbringing paid off. writing is cathartic and a Godsend.

*sigh*

until next entry, kids. cross your fingers for better days ahead.

[JP]

[363] the man that he longs to be

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 23:02:00 -0400

i was telling my mentee a few days ago that this year was going to help him define the man that he wants to be. and because the good lord is a fan of irony, sure enough a few days later i find myself facing a similar defining moment.

so what kind of man do i want to be? how much of it is informed by what is expected of me? what parts are constructed from my own insecurities? hmm, that second question is pretty intertwined with the first.

if i change myself, is it for me? do i really- i mean, really like the way i currently am? i say i do, but… hmm.

on my birthday, bf and i were talking about the first guy i ever loved and how every now and again i would have nightmares about him. we got into why the nightmares were still happening. long story short, bf said something i had heard before and didn’t quite understand at the time. that guy embodied everything i thought i couldn’t be. the question that i may have to answer now is can i be everything i thought i couldn’t be.

or rather, should i?

ugh, this is some existential, bullshit late 20s version of a bad episode of dawson’s creek. and really, weren’t they all bad?

so, the man that i long to be- who the hell is it? with 363 days left until 30, i have a sneaking suspicion that this question will be central to my 29th year.

[jp]

[365] in my head i paint a picture

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 03:06:00 -0400

years back, in my early 20s, i was convinced that by the time i was 30 i’d have it all figured out. in 10 minutes, i will be 365 days away from seeing if i was right.

on the verge of the third decade, i’m fairly certain i won’t have figured it ALL out by then- whatever all is- but i will have figured out some key… things.

so, in the twilight of my 20s, i’m chronicling my experiences as a means to glean wisdom in order to figure out those very… things.

let’s see how this goes.

[jp]